


Always

by buckysdeliciousthighs



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Protective Kylo Ren, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:55:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24930406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckysdeliciousthighs/pseuds/buckysdeliciousthighs
Summary: You had betrayed your number 1 rule- don't kill anyone. And you couldn't handle it.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	Always

**Author's Note:**

> TW: if you're triggered by self-harm please don't read. this is part 2 of my 4 am fueled writing session. comments and kudos are appreciated :)

The ride back to base was a silent one, the air in the fighter jet thick with sorrow and the deadly twang of grief. Silence was a sound which you deemed to be too loud. Your usual leg tapping was replaced by heavy tiredness in all your limbs- you felt like your muscles were replaced with boulders. The jet gently lowered as the landing strip came into view and a sigh of relief forced its way through your dry lips.

The mission was simple on paper- the First Orders spies reported a rebel base and a team was sent out to assassinate them. People were surprised when you, being the girlfriend of Commander Ren, volunteered to be one of the group- but you weren’t supposed to kill anyone, you had told yourself. Only protect your small team. You should have known- being part of the first order you would have to kill, but it was an accident, you kept repeating. _It was an accident, an accident, an accident_. It happened so fast you didn’t have time to process what happened until his body hit the floor, Brown locks of hair falling into cold, dead eyes that stared up at you with no emotion. You hadn’t cried, your face was just a reflection at the corp- man on the floor.

A hiss of steam broke the silence and the hatch revealed itself to the people milling about the ground. Pushing your thoughts aside you marched in like with the other soldiers, stumbling slightly at first but you quickly regained your balance. _An accident, an accident, an accident_. The more you said it, the less you started to believe it.

An hour later, you found yourself in your room on base. Not the one you and your boyfriend shared, your first room, equipped with a small rectangular bed, a mirror and a lavatory. Kylo hadn’t contacted you yet- probably debriefing the mission leader or in a meeting. Now that you were finally alone you could show emotion, but nothing came. _Am I so much of a monster I can’t even feel sad about killing someone_? _What was his name_? You asked yourself- had you had killed someone without even knowing their name? The answer was clear but still, you felt like it was something you needed to know. What if the situation had been reversed and it was Kylo that had been killed? Did he have someone like you who would take revenge? Part of you hoped yes because honestly, you deserved it. You deserved to be punished for taking a life- an eye for an eye.

One second you were perched on the edge of your bed and the next the mirror on the wall was smashed to tiny little pieces, a dull ache resonating through your now mangled hand. A low groan broke came from your gut and forced its way through your clenched teeth, and with that you slid to the floor, glass poking through the underside of your leather pants. A part of you wanted to take one of the larger shards and plunge it into the soft tissue of your neck, the other part of you just wanted to curl into a ball and cry your heart out. You went with the latter, soft sobs crawling up your throat which turned into hysterical weeping.

You were a murderer. A monster. You deserved lifeless than the man you'd taken his away from. Dully you heard a frantic thumping at the door, and the voice of your boyfriend, but you were too far gone to make out what he was saying. You didn’t notice when the pounding at the door stopped, or when a hand touched your shoulder. It was only when golden brown orbs met yours- that they were so filled with pain and confusion- brought you back to the surface.

“Y/N…” He murmured, his eyes sweeping over your body, the glass on the floor and probably in your skin. He didn’t say anything else, but his hands travelled to yours. Gently he plucked out a large shard of glass that you hadn’t noticed was clenched in your now ravaged hand and lay it to the side. “I heard you. Your thoughts… I-” he shook his head. “I was waiting for you, but you were taking a long time and I got worried. Then I heard you” his eyes shone in pain. “You're not a monster Y/N.” Another sob forced its way out of you and you shook your head.

“I killed someone Kylo- I actually murdered someone. I…” You sniffled. “I took someone’s life.” He shushed you.

With gentle movements he pulled you off the floor and into his arms, tangling his hand into your hair and scratching your scalp with his nails. “It had to be done,” He murmured, “If it were between him and you, I would rather have his body on the floor than yours.” You shook your head.

“There shouldn’t be any bodies- period”

“This is war, princess. There's going to be casualties on both sides whether we like it or not. I wish you wouldn’t have to face that Y/N, but you do.” His grip on you tightened. “I never should have let you go with them in the first place.” You shrugged.

“If I hadn’t of gone, then you would have lost some of your best officers to their own stupidity and clumsiness.” He chuckled deep in his chest but got distracted when he picked up your hand to examine it.

“Oh, princess…” His eyes were glossy with sadness. “Come on, lets get you cleaned up” With that, he wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you up onto unsteady feet. Your eyes fell to the floor as he guided you towards the small bathroom, your steps heavy but lightened by the support of your boyfriend. Once there he motioned for you to face away from him and you complied.

He ran his eyes up and down your legs and his lips tightened. “Don’t move, okay princess?” He murmured soothingly, and you nodded slightly. Within a few minutes, he had the glass shards removed, with only minimal pain. “I’m going to take your trousers off, okay?” You gestured yes- it wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before. He used a damp washcloth from the counter to gently wipe down the blood staining your thighs, “You're amazing Y/N, you know that?” You didn’t respond but you thought, _thank you_ , knowing he would be able to hear.

Once done, he manoeuvred you so that you were now sat on the lid of the toilet and he was crouched between your legs. He plucked your hand that was now wringing the cloth of your shirt and held it between his own large palms. He sucked in through his teeth at the sight of your hand which you were only just seeing the damage of now. Gnashed now littered your knuckles and fingers, accompanied by a rather deep wound on your palm. “I’m sorry.” You whimpered but Kylo fixed you with a stare, shaking his head imperceptibly.

“Don’t. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for, Y/N.” You bit down on your lip as he began removing the glass once more. You ground out a small whimper and flinched as he removed a larger piece of glass and you saw the apology in his eyes. The next while there was silence as he worked to clean and disinfect your hand until he got to your palm.

He pursed his lips, “I’ll do what I can but you'll have to go to the med bay to get everything properly stitched up- this one will likely scar though.”

“Good” He looked up at you through long dark lashes but didn’t say anything. “I want a permanent reminder of what happened today so that it never happens again. Ever.” He responded by sitting forward and toughing his lips to your own. It wasn’t a fiery, passionate kiss, it was more of a reminder that he was there, and he would always be there.

“I love you” He spoke against your lips. “You're impossibly brave and a better person than I could ever be.” You pulled away and put your hands either side of his face so that his eyes met yours.

“You make me a better person Kylo. I can only hope I do the same for you.” He chuckled, letting his head fall into the crook of your neck.

“Always.”


End file.
